Man, I love a good wrestling monster. Yes, I know Vince McMahon exists, but I mean a sinister heel born of dark purpose. Again, I know Vince McMahon is out there and alive, but I mean a demon that thrives on sorrow and nurtures cruelty. No, again, not Vince, but a scary-looking boogeyman who… okay, I’m not going to find the offramp here.
We’ve got a new “monster heel” headed our way that's awesome because we’re in dire need of one. We had a flock of them for a while with The Judgement Day, but now that gang is one of the silliest, soapiest stables around. I don’t mean that as an insult, not at all, but as once was prophesied on a mysterious obelisk: You can’t be diabolical with Carlito in your ranks. Sure, there’s The Final Testament, but they’ve got too much of a bro quality. They’re steeped in meathead. Also, they aren’t exactly being pushed to the moon right now. Also also, their name means exactly the same thing as Judgement Day. They’re practically “we’ve got Judgement Day at home.”
So yes, we very much need someone, or someones, who’ll bring back the satanic panic from the '70s and '80s. Something truly nightmarish. Like OG Undertaker, Kane, and Mankind. Or even short lived ghouls like Papa Shango and (evil) Doink*. And we need to sidestep the biggest flaw with these fiends, which is that either they only get a short stint or their actual heel persona is cut short because they became too popular and get turned into a babyface.
This is why Bray Wyatt was so gd special.
*Speaking of wicked Doink: We need to bring back the Stump Puller as a submission. It was the best move Doink could have used. The kayfabe pain is one thing but the indignity of having a clown shove your head up his ass is the real kicker.
Even when Bray Wyatt was super over in his various crazed forms, he never had to “go good.” Nope, he’d just be a massively over beast who was so popular as the Fiend that he not only managed to overcome the preposterous pickle of performing matches under a red light of nuclear sunset intensity, but also managed to get champ Seth Rollins booed so harshly and profoundly that the mf’er almost instantly turned heel… and stay that way for three years.
Bray was a once-in-a-lifetime force. The creative ways he’d reinvent himself was something the wrestling world had never seen. Losing him was, and still is, a tremendous gut punch and the vacuum he’s left behind is enormous. His shoes are simply too big to fill. But the business still needs creepy bastards fueled by evil intent and Uncle Howdy is set to become diet Bray Wyatt in just a few days. On Monday’s Raw if the QR code from Bob Evans’ placemat scavenger hunt countdown is correct.
And I’m excited!
No, it won’t be the same. We all get that. Bray’s most recent Uncle Howdy-styled return to the fold wasn’t exactly his best work. I mean, it wasn’t the dire doldrums of being in a tag team with “Broken” Matt Hardy, but it wasn’t great, folks. Look, the Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match is no one’s belle of the ball or cock of the walk. Bray had a few valleys. But, man oh man, his peaks were some of the peakiest peaks we’d ever seen in the industry. Easily out-peaking Peaky Blinders. Maybe not Twin Peaks but definitely Dante’s Peak.
What made Bray's final run uniquely special though was him getting to work with his brother, Bo Dallas, as Uncle Howdy. I recommend watching the Bray doc on Peacock for more on this, but not only does Bo get to continue on with the Howdy character, who seemed to be presented as a sinister mentor luring Bray back into darkness, but Bo gets to be back on TV in a big way. Bo, many will argue, was NXT’s first true biffed call up. Back in the days when Hunter and Co. would help these guys craft winning gimmicks down in Florida and then pack them off to Vince where they’d have, like, a 70% failure rate on Raw.
Howdy will most assuredly respectfully ride on Bray’s wave of adoration, but there’s also a huge opportunity here to make magic with a new crew of groovy ghoulies. Will Alexa Bliss return to bring back more Bray-ness? Will they recruit new devils to complete their ferocious funhouse? What might Howdy use from the past? What will be new? In an alternate world, Chucky-lover Liv Morgan could have joined this horror brigade. You know, if she wasn’t already *ahem* Women's World Champion. Or if she and Bo didn’t recently call it quits after years of being a low-key item (if you prescribe to ongoing rumors of the lovey-dovey variety).
Anyhow, I think the love for Bray and the redemption of Bo make this a very worthwhile venture. I don’t know who Howdy will target or if Howdy himself will manage someone else or what the f***in’ deal is with any of this, but I’m stoked.
[Borat voice] “Clash at the Castle, Clash at the Castle”
WWE heads to Glasgow this weekend for a tight card and, presumably, a hot hot crowd. Here are some very quick and very dirty thoughts:
World Heavyweight Champion Damian Priest vs. Drew McIntyre
Technically, this is a heel vs. heel contest, but the show is in Drew’s backyard so it’s going to be a very pro-Claymore crowd. Sadly, the win over Finn on Raw and the ever-looming shadow of CM Punk will cost poor Drew dearly here.
Winner: Damian Priest
Opposite Momentum Pick: Damian Priest
WWE Women's Champion Bayley vs. Piper Niven (with Chelsea Green)
Will the Scots cheer their own Piper Niven over Bayley? Or will the “Heeey! Hey, Bayley!” song win out? Regardless, Bayley takes this. She’s gotta fight Queen Nia at SummerSlam.
Winner: Bayley
Opposite Momentum Pick: *will update after SmackDown*
WWE Intercontinental Champion Sami Zayn vs. Chad Gable
The Alpha Academy drama has been in full swing over the past few weeks, and while it seems like Chad is destined to lose, due to Otis finally coming to his senses, Opposite Momentum actually has him taking this one.
Winner: Sami Zayn
Opposite Momentum Pick: Chad Gable
Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes vs. AJ Styles
There just doesn’t seem to be a world, right now in 2024, where Styles wins this. Or that Cody even loses this belt before he faces The Rock at ‘Mania 41. I’ll need SmackDown results for the OM Pick to be clear but I don’t even think that’ll be necessary here. Still, it’s gonna be a [looks up U.K. slang]... corker?
Winner: Cody Rhodes
Opposite Momentum Pick: *will update after SmackDown*
WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Bianca Belair and Jade Cargill vs. Alba Fyre and Isla Dawn vs. Shayna Baszler and Zoey Stark
We have TWO Scots in this one, and their loss on Raw signals, perhaps, a big upset win for Alba Fyre and Isla Dawn. That would be a pretty short title reign for ladies the caliber of Bianca and Jade though. But, of course, they wouldn’t need to actually be the ones to *lose* here. So, since I’m thinking Drew and Piper are losing, I’m gonna give the Scottish win to Alba and Isla.
Winners: Alba Fyre and Isla Dawn
Opposite Momentum Pick: *will update after SmackDown*
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