We’re in a bit of a Phantom Zone in wrestling right now. With both WWE and AEW holding PPVs/Premium Luxury Loft Living next weekend, both companies are in the same stage of build and we’re all flattened and screaming and hurtling through space.
A bit of a caveat here too: I was away for four days last week and my wrestling absorption was meaty okra at best. I’m actually in the midst of watching Dynamite right now, as my keys click clack, so this column isn’t going to have a big hook or an enticing premise. We’ll do a general check-in, sure, but you’d better believe I’m gonna stretch and flex my bulls*** muscles to come up with a headline.
Maybe I don’t have to though. Maybe I’ve stumbled upon THE main story of the week. One that, not to mince words, knocked the entire wrestling industry on its ass. Want to know what it’s like to be, authentically and undeniably, thrown for a loop? To doubt what you all once knew was true and right in this world? Then check it out. But beware. Take heed. From here on out, your life will be separated into two eras. Two distinct chapters. Before this news and after.
Hell yeah! People visiting places, amirite? Just humans out there going around and doing stuff. There’s nothing like it. Just buck wild participating in life.
I love a lot about this, and please believe me when I say that I’m absolutely not trying to s*** on WrestlingWorldCC. Good for them. If not for non-stories (and non-columns like this), the world wide web would implode. The information superhighway would cease. I don’t know what that account is aside from an apparent Alexa Bliss tracker (or a Planet Hollywood attendee noter). We’ve all tried, sometimes desperately, to carve out a corner of the internet for ourselves.
And sometimes, even when (or if) we’re successful, we get locked into a hyper-specific broom closet we never intended. You can absolutely find an audience by just posting pictures of Hot Chix online. And tell people they were at a place. And not even exactly when. Just "this week." It gives us all hope that we too might go do a thing in the next few days.
Honestly, they didn’t even need the Planet Hollywood part. Especially since there was no link to a story, no picture of her at Planet Hollywood, and no mention of which Planet Hollywood it was (jk, there are only three left and she lives in Orlando. Though it’d be funny if it was the one in Qatar).
Also, is this even true? Also, does it matter if it’s true or not? Also, what did she eat? Like, the Mango and Hash or the Fudge Bredd (I just assume it’s all Stallone movie puns)?
Meanwhile, the King and Queen of the Ring tournament is still running hot, with the the RAW side of the equation narrowed down to either IYO or Lyra Valkyria for the women and Gunther and Jey Uso for the men. The SmackDown side of the coin still has tomorrow night to narrow things down, but it sure looks like we’re headed for a Jade vs. Bianca semi-final bout. Which feels odd to do this early into Jade’s main roster run.
That’s a big time match and one that, depending on the outcome, could also cause a rift in the tag champs. Though it’s hard to imagine Jade being in the tournament and not winning. AEW may have had Jade in the wrong spot/slot on the card, but they had the right idea with her win streak. So not having Jade win this whole tournament would undercut all the hype. It would be like what they did with Goldberg back in 2003. But also... like... f*** Goldberg.
And as for the men… this feels like Gunther’s to lose at this point. You could still make an argument for Knight, Jey (though he has a budding feud with Logan Paul), and even Orton (though he has a “hurt” leg), but Gunther’s the strongest candidate. And he was when this whole thing started too. Naturally, everyone I wanted to win has gone kaput, though to be fair Lashley got taken out in training and Tiffany is still in it (until tomorrow night). I was leading with my heart and not my head, like when I go grocery shopping or get an electrocardiogram.
Now a few questions for all you funfans. Please dig into these polls and then elaborate down in the comments?
Re: that last one. Wow. This is coming from a huge Sasha Banks stan… y’all debut her and then kept her out of the ring for two and a half months? I feel like Adam Copeland was bleeding profusely from a Barbed Wire Tim Horton’s Tussle within a week of arriving in AEW. By the way, neither of these two separate debuts were handled all that well, but at least Copeland’s embraced his strengths in the ring and on the mic. Mercedes is supremely “less than ideal” on the mic and that’s all she’s had to work with since Saint Patrick's Day.
Maybe I’ve got this all turned around, though. Perhaps the idea was to burn us out so big on her appearances that we’re champing at the bit even more to see her get in the ring. Inadvertently, though, AEW may have just created more of a reason for Willow to retain the title and for Mercedes to actually lose her first match. If you really wanted to kick this feud into high gear and make it special, and have Willow be more than a stepping stone, then have Miss Moné take the “L” and not be able to deal with it. Continue this all summer and then have them meet again in London at All In. I’d much prefer that than just the usual lather/rinse/repeat we’re probably in for. Especially since Moné got put through a table and the Opposite Momentum gods are fickle and must be appeased.
Of course, Copeland himself already bent those narrative rules and subverted expectations by losing to Christian a handful of times, but I still think it could work here. Mostly because Willow isn’t a storied vet and WWE ex-pat like Christian Cage. It could also be that I’ve gone a bit stir crazy since Moné’s debut and have now multiverse’d the s*** out of this finish in a very "whatever can happen, will/has happened" sort of way, and can’t see the damn forest anymore. It’ll probably just go down like we all expect, and you know what? That’s okay too. I’m so tired.
By the way, there are like 200 money/Moné idioms and puns that she could be making all the time. If she's going to keep having awesome gear and coming out to a Scotty Doesn't Know club remix of Dvorak's Symphony No. 9, then I need her to go full '60s Batman villain. Plus, she's friends with Cash Wheeler and so they could be Cash Moné. It's all right there. Don't leave moné on the table.
One of those polls up above was going to be about who should replace Eddie Kingston at Double or Nothing, but then, as Dynamite played out for me in the background, the question was answered. It's Darby Allin. Who will never not amuse me with his out of the ring injuries. It's always like Darby Allin just got hit by a bus or Darby Allin is healing from putting his d*** in an air fryer or Darby Allin just ate his own nose because Hannibal Lecter told him to. I'm just happy that someone out there is still doing the Dew and Living Mas.
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