One of my favorite modern-ish elements of wrestling – and it’s totally possible I brought this up in some shape or form in the old Wrestling Wrap Up – is the GM, specifically the “good” GM who wants nothing interesting to happen on their particular show.
No surprises. No run-ins. Nothing remotely exciting. God help us all if something doesn’t go off without a hitch. Just do the contract signing, no shenanigans! Just do the promo, no tomfoolery! Everyone just shut tf up and wrestle (even though this episode of RAW, despite being live to millions of people, is apparently being booked on the spot)!
We got a little taste of it this week, a wee amuse-bouche, when Adam Pearce got pissed at Paul Heyman because Jimmy Uso and Solo Sikoa showed up for Jey Uso’s in-ring segment. It made for an exciting bit of TV that gave the brother vs. brother ‘Mania match some much-needed juice.
But Pearce would have preferred it if, well, none of that f***in’ happened. He clearly scheduled Jey for a promo with NO RASCALITY! Just a “So I’m fighting my twin brother at WrestleMania!... Please watch us!”
It’s very much in keeping with the older (though now currently-eroding) wrestling rule of “wrestlers and commentators have never watched wrestling,” which feels like it’s been the business’ bread and butter for-freakin-ever. But it’s also adorable. Old tropes die hard. Pearce just wants order. He doesn’t want to lose control of his show, dammit, no matter how… fun it makes… watching his show.
Anyhow, let’s get into the crux of this week’s column which is The Rock being as Hollywood Rock as possible. Back when we first got "Hollywood Rock" it was just barely an apt moniker. He’d been a CG abomination in The Mummy Returns and then starred in The Scorpion King and that was enough to make him a big time Tinseltown Tony in the world of wrestling. That's it. That's all he'd done. Oh, and he was like the mightly Blorvath on an episode of Star Trek: Dick Splat.
Now though, Rocky has a full-ass filmography filled with impressive blockbusters. Even his flops are pretty spectacular. A few weeks back he introduced us to his new Black Adam-coded entrance. It was just two shades shy of what he did at Comic-Con two years ago when he was levitating in the air and shooting lightning at the crowd. I mentioned at the outset of this WrestleMania journey that he should fully embrace the disappointment, and gentle brand embarrassment, of Black Adam by merging it with his heel persona and, well, he did it. Not in a promo, no, but it was still amazing.
Now The Rock’s brought beloved non-bomb Moana into the mix by quoting his big song from the movie on last Friday’s SmackDown. “What can I say except you’re welcome!” Incredible. What fits Rock's current ring persona better than a tempermental shapeshifting demigod who was basically a babyface in Memphis last week.
But the floodgates are open now. All Rock movies are go! Not just movies that failed to change the hierarchy of power in the DC universe.
“The Rock is putting everyone on red notice because he’s on baywatch! My rampage will make everyone get smart about how powerful this game plan is. So be cool, because The Rock’s walking tall out here and it will be your doom. Welcome to the jungle, snitch...
[raises eyebrow, cocks head at camera] Southland Tales!”
I love the Black Adam entrance and, no, there’s not really time now to mix things up, but let’s get a Luke Hobbs entrance. Or Jungle Cruise. Or even a Journey 2: The Mysterious Island-themed video package. If Logan Paul can get the logo of his Franken-slurm on the center of the mat, then Dwayne Johnson can get a Skyscraper-sponsored dive off a giant ladder in the Six-Pack Tag Team Ladder Match, or get AOP to rename themselves Authors of Pain & Gain.
Finally, I just wanted to address wrestling icons who are, let’s face it, too selfless. Obviously, a legend coming into a different promotion and running roughshod all over anyone does nothing to grow that company’s roster. But then, like, the opposite can be frustrating too. Adam Copeland fighting a mostly-losing battle for the TNT Championship for months is not great, Bob. Daniel Bryan never wanting to win the AEW World Championship is not ideal, Robert. There has to be a happy medium, right? Between a tyrant and a saint?
If goddamn Edge is in AEW I want him to be the top guy. And then make other guys by feuding with them AS the top guy. And I want Daniel Bryan to be champ. Who doesn’t freakin’ want that? Sorry, you’re so rigidly humble, my guy, but can you just carry this damn belt for a few months? Like, just just… JUST TAKE IT. Hold it a little bit. I think we need a reverse Montreal Screwjob here. Trick him into winning it. Ring the bell when he’s got a headlock on Samoa Joe. Surprise, you talented jackass! You’re our new king!
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