First things freakin’ first: Thank you to everyone who sent such warm and kind messages and vibes to me on the socials. From the bottom of my heart, that was supremely cash money of you.
Second thing next: I’m on a juice cleanse right now so I’m officially OUT OF MY MIND. How do people do this? Just drinking? Who am I, Levi Las Vegas? (That was Nic Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas, right?)
Anyhow, as I am officially liquid from the neck down, I welcome you back to a handful of people’s favorite ill-researched stream-of-consciousness wrestling column. I promise to get to wrestling a lot sooner this week as I think we’re done with all the “I’m back” back pats, but I do want to touch on AEW a tiny bit before I wade back into the choppy sea that is the “Road to WrestleMania.”
I watch AEW. I watch WWE. I watch both. I will probably always be a WWE guy at heart, but I always try to enjoy everything. And if something isn’t my style, my bag, my sleepy time tea, I check in every once in a while, mime a one-sided high five, and then head back to my base camp. My point here is, I know there are a lot of warring fans out there who’ve picked a side re: AEW vs. WWE. I have not. Both have their strengths and weaknesses, advantages and opportunities.
WWE (well, usually) is like a clean, organized cutlery drawer. AEW is like that one drawer in the kitchen everyone has with all the charging cords, dead batteries, birthday candles, and sauce packets. My grandma called it the “Fibber McGee.” I have no idea why. She was old as s***. Anyhow, what I mean is, it’s sloppier - but if you’re looking for something more oddly specific, it’ll probably be in there. You'll also probably be like "why tf is there sandpaper?"
I say this because I’m guessing most of these columns will be about WWE for a while, during ‘Mania season. Also, because of when I write these, something massive would have to happen on Dynamite for it to course-correct something I’ve already started noodling. Like, for example, there being more than one women's match heyyoooooo ha-cha-cha-cha.
Now to the Rumble…
LIV MORGAN! NAOMI! JADE CARGILL! BAYLEY’S BIG WIN! CODY’S REPEAT TRIUMPH! CM PUNK… out after one PPV!
Punk's injury may be the biggest aftershock here since it’s derailed a big chunk of ‘Mania. Because look, we all, more or less, have an idea of what the major matches at ‘Mania will be months beforehand and we look to the Rumble, and the subsequent “Road to…”, to get us there. Punk was to lose to Cody at the Rumble but then win Elimination Chamber for his shot at Seth Rollins. Now everything's in flux because Punk tore his triceps (it bugs me that it sounds plural) during a Future Shock DDT and won’t be back for months. WWE, now in pivot mode, has turned this into a whole angle and, on Raw, Rollins appealed to Cody to be his ‘Mania opponent (without bringing up Seth’s three big PPV losses to Cody, or the villainous sledgehammer attack).
Look, Cody isn’t going battle Seth, but WWE’s stalling for time right now while they figure out who will. And we may not know for a month or more. So let’s take a gander at who would feel right facing Seth.
Cody Rhodes
Am I starting with the guy I said wouldn’t face Rollins? Darn tootin'. Damn skippy. It’s like a 95% no-go but let’s address the 5%.
Seth made the pitch. Cody said he’d think about it. This match could happen if WWE majorly panics and rushes us into Rock vs. Roman. That’s a match we’ve all been anticipating for years and ‘Mania 40 is a big round, classy number.
Most likely though, Cody will “finish the story” with Roman. After all, it may be ‘Mania 40 but next year is the actual 40th anniversary of WrestleMania. Also, take into consideration how forced it would feel. Rock likes long setups. He knows the value of anticipation. Of the slow build. Him mentioning “head of the table” was meant to be a breadcrumb for a trail that leads to a ‘Mania 41 match, not the full loaf. There’s not enough time in Rock’s schedule to give us a Roman match this quickly. He's got A24 scripts to read on his quest to Oscar glory. Also pancakes.
Drew McIntyre
This is what we’re most likely looking at. And good for Drew. Thanks to real-life events he’s got himself a second ‘Mania main event and a totally possible third world title win (since a feud with Punk, once he returns, seems to be in permanent marker on the white board). And he’s even got contract negotiations coming up in a few months. Everything’s coming up Milhouse!
In the reality we just splintered from, Drew would have been the dude Punk last eliminated from the Chamber. Now we might be headed for a Drew-aissance.
Gunther
Gunther got in Seth’s face, pre-Rumble, when there was that big in-ring segment about Seth’s leg. And now, with Brock Lesnar being extremely persona non grosso in the wake of the Vince atrocity parade, Gunther’s ‘Mania plans have to be shifted as well. He’s just reached 600 days as Intercontinental Champion and video packages could flashback to Hogan vs. Warrior and all that jazz to hype up a Champion vs. Champion bout.
Also, if they wanted to boost Gunther even more they could change his entrance theme to something monumentally kick ass…
Damien Priest
Damien Priest’s got until July to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase but, look… he’s gotta use it before then. We can’t take four or five more months of MITB edging. Only Edge could do that.
So let’s say Priest bucks the usual heel trend here and just uses his free shot to openly challenge Seth for the title at ‘Mania. He’s literally holding the kayfabe key to main eventing the Grandest Stage of Them All. And he’s the type of baddie who’s confident enough in his abilities that we’d believe his gall. Everyone expects him to win the title with the case so perhaps he could just do it... honorably? I know, it's a lot to put on Durmstrang's Quidditch coach.
The Rock
This won’t happen but it never hurts to get a little dumb and entertain a whimsically moronic idea every once in a while. Let’s say, with Punk out, WWE wants more star-power at ‘Mania and Rock is willing to lace up his boots and wrestle. Well, if they want to hold off on Rock vs. Roman they can side-step/switchback with Rock vs. Seth. And then Rock wins, Roman loses, and Rock becomes the new Tribal Chief (making their ‘Mania match next year for control of the “table”).
Of course, this would diminish Seth's World Heavyweight Championship, which he touted as the “workhorse” title on RAW this week (and not the belt for fancypants who only wrestle every fiscal quarter). Again, this is just a shotty stab in the dark. The Rock ain’t wrestling. And he doesn’t have to. He can still take over as the Chief after Roman loses to Cody, if that’s the way the gale gusts. Did I just put THE ROCK here for SEO purposes? WHO CAN SAY?
Some Man
This final slot is for… well, whatever else it is they could come up with. Logan Paul? Sam Entertainment Zayn? Newly Acquired Andrade? Dickweed McFadden? The Mighty Gloomp? There’s still two months until ‘Mania. Madame Web will have come and bombed, Dune 2 will have unleashed the non-stop erotic cabaret of its popcorn bucket on an unsuspecting public, and Taylor Swift will have won the Super Bowl with 16 ball downs.
So who would you like to see face Seth Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship? Let someone else know in the comments below! I'd say "let me know" but, for the sake of full transparency, I haven't read internet comments since 2012. Am I better for it? Probably not. Smugger for it? Absolutely.
KNEELIFT!
