Crime Scene Cleaner is, ironically, my zen game of choice

Games like PowerWash Simulator and House Flipper are invitations to relax; they’re all about creating order from chaos. It’s enjoyable to see a trashed house or a messy garage and restore it to its former glory. But what if there were higher stakes? What if instead of getting rid of an old, rusted-out vehicle, I had to haul dead bodies? What if instead of grime and soot, my primary concern was blood and forensic evidence? Crime Scene Cleaner is a game that bravely tackles those questions, and the answer is strangely satisfying.

In Crime Scene Cleaner, I play a down-on-his-luck janitor called Kovalsky, who has tons of financial problems including a vaguely yet tragically sick child. A friend offers a big payday to help him deal with a big oopsie doodle – he murdered someone. Turns out, scrubbing crime scenes is much more profitable than scrubbing toilets. There’s also an active mafia in town, so there’s no shortage of work. 

Crime Scene Cleaner sets up some inventive yet grisly scenarios, like a mass murder at a pizza parlor, complete with a guy halfway in the pizza oven. One death in particular gave me an unexpected chuckle: a young man, murdered while playing a Soulslike, complete with the “YOU DIED” screen on his monitor. How ironic! 

No matter what I’m faced with, I have the tools to clean it all up: mops, sponges, a step ladder, a pressure washer, detergents, and lots of trash bags. This is where the meditative aspect of the game shines. It doesn’t matter whether I’m cleaning up old boxes of pizza or the splatter pattern from a body falling from a great height; either way, my brain gets the good chemicals. I can also steal from the dead to my heart’s content, selling a little coke on the side or dropping fancy statues off at the pawn shop.

If anything, I wish the auxiliary aspects of Crime Scene Cleaner were a little more pronounced. Once I finish a job, I head back to my home. I can read a couple of emails, which usually shine a light on the protagonist’s dismal financial situation, and pet my dog, but then I have to hit the hay. Then, once I wake up, it’s time for another job. It’d be neat to have a little more agency over where that money goes, but at the end of the day, I’m just there to haul bodies and scrub blood.

Another charming touch is Kovalsky’s constant commentary. The voice acting isn’t very good, but that adds a certain je ne sais quoi. He has a droll line for every death. Upon discovering the previously mentioned gamer, he quips, “Just imagine playing some FPS and ending up with a bullet in your head. Now that’s what I call immersion.” The voice actor always provides a flat delivery, which is amusing in its own right, and cuts through the morbid atmosphere of each crime scene.

Crime Scene Cleaner originally released on Aug. 14, but I stumbled across the game while scrolling through the Steam store. I’m glad I took a chance on this title and bought it without digging into it; cleaning crime scenes scratches a certain itch. Getting to shove $100 bills and bricks of cocaine in my in-game pocket is just a bonus.